I want to go to the top of a really tall building, take a leak, finish, zip up, and then have my pee hit the ground. I want my entire pee to be airborne. Man I love beer.
I'm a terrible person, part 34,265
Yesterday afternoon, I heard a loud SMACK! against the window, accompanied by a startled squawk. I rushed over to the window see a good-sized woodpecker (a red-shafted flicker, to be exact) laying on its back on the roof, twitching and chirping in an obvious "what the fuck just happened? oh, my head" fashion.
This started me laughing, but then, as it struggled to regain its senses and dignity, the movement caused it to start rolling, very slowly, down the roof, helplessly chirping in dismay. Reaching the edge, it disappeared into the gutter with a little splash of water and increased squawking and chirping. I almost peed myself laughing.
The only thing that could have made it better was if I would have been able to get out on to the roof without getting in trouble, 'cause I was all set to stand over the bird and shout "You got knocked the fuck out!" just like Chris Tucker in Friday