:Chloroform in Print
I want to go to the top of a really tall building, take a leak, finish, zip up, and then have my pee hit the ground. I want my entire pee to be airborne. Man I love beer.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Buzzwords...just let 'em roll
I was forced to take part in an "Innovation Workshop" yesterday, which is precisely the sort of thing that kept me out of the white-collar workforce until recently. To keep myself awake and out of trouble, I kept a list of the empty marketing/business buzzwords used. Although the list is not comprehensive, it should provide a reasonably accurate representation of the experience.

Yes, this is my way of spreading the misery. I am so ashamed of myself.

sunset (v.) - used at least 30 times
multiple dimensions
value proposition
disruptive innovation
stakeholders (used at least 12 times)
distributed intelligence
unique selling proposition
complex adaptive system
cross-functional teams
contributing vision (n.)
strategic construct
core competencies
addressable content
organizational metabolization
coherent portfolio
social architecture
association innovation
intellectual environm,ent
return on engagement
upside potential
distributing responsibility
extension of core
innovation council (members will be issued a gavel and ceremonial robes, presumably)
rapid business planning
social network analysis tools
context dependent
friction points
calibrate our expectations
systemic innovation
core intellectual assets
revamp governance
innovation agenda

My kindness was quickly repaid by Miz Restraint. She had to go to the doctor to seek relief for her allergies, and I was generous enough to add to her already miserable existence by sharing the list, along with a cursory "how did it go?" inquiry. Her reply?

That's difficult to say without metrics with which we can calibrate our expectations. The physician provided robust and cross-functional strategic assets, which, unfortunately, will not verticalize me into multiple dimensions, so the upside potential is limited. In addition, since Freddie's Pharmacopoeia has the distributing responsibility, I've yet to implement this complex adaptive system. However, after I have sunset myself with a g&t or two, I'm hoping for a contributing vision.

And my work here is done.

Thursday, March 03, 2005
I am a bad person (part 1 of an infinite list)
I found a scribbled note lurking at the bottom of one of my bags the other day. The handwriting was erratic and sloppy, which is a sure sign it's something I wrote while driving. It read:

[approaching a pickup from behind on the freeway]
"Hey mister! Is that your girlfriend or is it your dog?
driving near enough to get a good look into the cab:
"Hardy Har Har! It's your girlfriend and it's your dog!"

You can take the boy out of Kitsap, but you can't take the Kitsap out of the boy.


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Location: The PNW

I like brown liquor, strong beer, barbeque, and brunettes. Also, you suck.

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