Think of the kittens...and the Domokun

¶ Thursday, June 23, 2005 0 comments

 
Once an area is infected, it never fully recovers

Since this is the slow time of the year for me at work I have quite a bit of time on my hands these days, and since I'm a compulsive reader I've been visiting Happy Blog Land on a regular basis. Over at Waiter Rant, a recent post detailed the characteristics and habits of Yuppies. I was surprised that there was any confusion, but apparently there is (read the comments).

Which got me to thinking about the various, uh, variants that have sprung up over the years. One I haven't heard, but which needs to make its way into common usage, is a descriptor for the following personality type:

• Commonly the wife of a nouveau-riche software executive, architect, or portfolio manager who relocated the family to the area in order to take advantage of property value differential.
  
• Drives a recent luxury edition of a Volvo, VW, or Subaru – invariably a station wagon.
  
• Wears top-shelf athletic clothing (Patagonia, North Face, etc.), hemp, and expensive, hand-woven-by-indigenous-peoples natural fiber outerwear.
  
• Buys only organic, free-range, sustaniably farmed and preferably biodynamically grown produce, milk, and meat. Frequents farmers markets and organic farmstands/U-picks, where their booger children run free and undisciplined while they freely criticize the farmer's methods or policies.
  
• Spends the majority of their ample free time protesting for various socially liberal causes, with bonus points for the most ridiculous and pointless.
  
• Goes to the A) naturopath B) acupuncturist C) rolfer D) Past life regression specialist in lieu of the doctor.
  
• Drinks only expensive wine, with a rare exception made for the finest Scotch.
  
• Lives in a McMansion or near-equivalent, built on what was formerly prime agricultural land, and complains incessantly about the occasional smell of manure coming from farmers' adjacent fields.
  
• Displays self-righteous condesencion toward those not fortunate enough to have the income to "live sustainably" or "go organic."
  

Sadly, the PNW is infested with these fuckers, the majority of whom emigrated here from California starting in the 70's and continuing to the present day. Even more sadly, The Town In Which I Live is almost completely overrun. From the description, it should be fairly obvious that these people combine many of the least desirable traits of both Hippies and Yuppies. So henceforth, this type is to be referred to as Herppies.

¶ Tuesday, June 21, 2005 0 comments

 
The Truck of Dorian Gray

Most of us are familiar with the concept, if not the story, of Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray. For those who are not, the story is about an infamous rake, cad, and libertine by the name of Dorian Gray, who despite his reprehensible lifestyle is astonishingly immune to the ravages of time, somehow maintaining his youthful appearance and vigor. Unbeknownst to anyone but Mr. Gray, he has a portrait of himself secreted away, which magically absorbs the damage that he has visited on himself and others, displaying his true visage: decrepit, time-rotted and horrible to behold.

Times have changed, but people remain people. In my foolish youth, I congratulated myself for retaining my youthful appearance despite a reasonably hedonistic and self-destructive lifestyle. Then one day I realized that my sins were being visited not upon a painting or photograph, but on my truck.

Behold the damage:

¶ Thursday, June 02, 2005 0 comments